Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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