He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Randomize
