We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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