we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
