dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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