I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
