i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
