the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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