just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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