I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
