Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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