final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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