I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
