How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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