There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
