True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
