last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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