and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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