Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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