Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
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