I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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