The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
