So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
