Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I checked into jail on foursquare
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
