Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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