So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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