I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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