Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
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i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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