I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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