There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
