Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
