I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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