I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
