So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
