I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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