Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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