If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
