i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you told grandpa to call you daddy
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
