Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
love makes seman taste better
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
