when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
