My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
