I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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