the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
