hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
