I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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