I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
