I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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