There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
