They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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