Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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