when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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