Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
