she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
