She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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