dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
