his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
