I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
