Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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