someone threw a dead crab at me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
