so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix