i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
