If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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