U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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