Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
